Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Who am I?

It has come to me recently, that I don't really like who I am. While I have always thought of myself as generous, kind, open-minded and -hearted, sweet-natured and easy-going, (and believed others thought this way of me too), it has become apparent that I am a much more selfish, passive-aggressive, self-sabotaging, lazy and unreliable person. The worst part is, I don't know when I became this person.

I've been feeling lonely, but not willing to put the effort into my friendships with other women who live close to me. I'm walled off and, while I don't like it, I'm not sure how to open up again. You see, I have 'put myself out there', but find myself withdrawing inwards - even after a very good visit. Partly, I think that its just because I haven't met someone I really relate to. But I also fear that I may never again be open enough to recognize that person if they do come along.

I walk by cafes and often see two to three older women sitting alone at the bar along the window, sometimes reading papers or books. Meanwhile there are tables of (usually younger) men and/or women sitting together, sometimes two or three girlfriends sharing a laugh or a group of guys having a meal together. And I wonder, do we naturally withdraw from socializing as we age?

My own mother seems to live like a near recluse to me, (although, besides me going out to work, we live similar lifestyles), and when I encourage her to go out and do more, meet new people, she states that she's very happy and she has an active enough social life, thank you. This scares me.

I come from a big "family" of friends, a large circle of close-knit, long-term friends that shared holidays and special days together as well as visited often during the in-between days. I'm finding myself terribly lonely in comparison and wonder, will I ever find that kind of connectedness again? And that's when I realize that even if I did meet someone I could relate to, and recognized her, she may not find any qualities in me that would inspire her to want to put the time and effort into building a friendship.

And so, having come full circle, and recognized areas where I definitely need to work on, I begin to work on improving my self. Perhaps when I like myself again, I will attract friends. In fact, now I'm sure of it.

1 comment:

  1. Wow that's funny, I am going through the exact same phase! I too am finding it hard to socialise at the moment.

    I feel happier on my own truth be told. With all the soulsearching I am doing, it's probably for the best. However, I do enjoy this time alone, reflection time, time to find myself without being influenced by others.

    I choose what I read, see, think about, wonder about. It's quite nice actually.

    My advice is embrace that time alone, it's a good way to think deeply about who you are and where you want to be.

    And learn to love who you are. I know personally, I went through years of putting myself through unhealthy relationships because I had forgotten how to love myself, so I am taking this time finding out who I am and to love me again.

    I look at happy couples with a big smile on my face, as they bring me hope :-)